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The best feeling in the world is being a (best) friend for someone. And yes, it’s so much better than having one. The pleasure of being trusted, loving, and getting the chance to understand others is all there. What’s the use of having a friend when they don’t consider you as one? Being a friend of someone means someone considers you as one and so do you. But if you feel like you have a friend, it doesn’t always mean that they place you the same way.

One of the worst feelings in the world is losing a friend -from someone you’ve just known to daily buddies. I think it’s explanatory enough.

If it's your fault, then you've done some trouble there, buddy. But what if it's not? What would you do?..

All there is for me to do is sigh.
If you're a true friend, you'll realize something's not right..

..and come back.

the Alphas of my Torrey

Here you go, finally I got the chance to scan these.
Here are my 1st shots using Diana F+.
Mine's the El Toro edition, and I call him Torrey.















Hope they aren't that bad for first tries.

so where has she been?

So what's the dilly here? And no, I'm not yet awake. And I so do think that I will be stuck in this hibernation until the end of the school year. Or not even so. Let's put it until I start college. I feel so lost. I think I might have left myself somewhere. I think I might've got stuck somewhere. Where am I, really? Could you remind me again?

This last year of school seems to snatch my life away from me. 12th grade. Meaningful big number. It doesn't matter when, where, or what I do.. the thought of being a 12th grader won't get lost. I'm haunted by the fact that I'm facing the national examination soon and having these few unstable choices on where to go after graduating. Plus having one parent so focused on a certain hard-to-get university and the other suggesting to study abroad. Seriously, it can gradually become some kinda pressure.

No, I'm not stressed. Yet.
It's just irritating how I find myself losing fun and what there actually is to do in a good life. Never mind, that's not the part that bugs me. I still have time to enjoy going to places, hang out, and not give a damn about studying. But everytime I take those chances, they become guilty pleasures. That's what's irritating. It's like I'm instinctively constantly reminded I have to get some work done, and how it would be so much better if I had been studying instead, and how I would regret not using my free time wisely in the near (or not) future. I do hope my hard work will sum up to something that's worth it someday.

I know it's just the start. There' are no frequent tests that I'm facing yet (except for the upcoming mid-semester, which isn't anything frequent). But I'm the kind of person who easily panics. I tell you, that's so uncomfortable. Especially knowing all your weaknesses and worrying about them before you do anything to fix 'em and make yourself stronger. Oh i wish I could just find a way to calm myself. To me, any form of the future just feels so close, and it's like I have so little time to prepare. They come too fast, which makes me want to suck myself back to the past most times.

And here's how my desk looks like, studying goddamn biology. Bio is my favorite subject. But not today. We're dealing with a dreadful chapter. *Eukh*

And this is good friend of mine, meet Math(ew).

PS. Just got myself a Diana F+ and I'm so freakin eager to get the my 1st film developed which is so hard to get the chance -time & place- argh.

17, At Last

Yessss, I just turned 17 yesterday! Nothing feels that special though. It's just that everytime I look at that number, it seems like such a big number, well.. it seems like an old age to me. I still feel so immature for such an age and I'm still not used to the thought of two more years of teenage life. Ahh, I don't feel like I've grown a lot these past (highschool) years. I've been going through the same routines and nothing seems to be increasingly changing, although I know, I must've gone through some kind of growing changes somehow. Oh what an odd perspective, eh?

Anyway I just feel like sharing my day of turning seventeen. This year was surprisingly different from the past birthdays I've had. I've always wanted something offbeat, instead of feeling like having last year's birthday repeated the next year.
Usually, I would always celebrate it with my family even if it means I'd spend it with my friends later on that day. My mom would often bake me a birthday cake, or buy one if not necessary, and cook Nasi Kuning! haha yess... what a tradition we have for a family member's birthday! And oh, my dad would always know what I want for my birthday.. and I always have something I want for a present. Without telling my dad, the thing I wanted would show up on my birthday.

Well on my 17th year, I could say none of the above family-things ticked.
My, I had a hard time sleeping. My cold and sore throat was killing me which made it hard for me to fall asleep although I was so damn sleepy and that caused a headache. When I could finally start my sleep, I assume that was around after midnight, I heard a knock on my door... AHHHH! How nice :/

So yeah, 6 of my closest friends came in with those colorful candlelit cupcakes.. and yeah.. you know all the things they do in surprises. Well this one isn't off, I do get surprises the past years, with different packs of friends each year. Oh I like surprises, and I wanted one, to be honest, and I wouldn't cross this one out of my atypical birthday custom list, haha.

They stayed up with me up until about 3 in the morning. Although it took up my heavenly sleeping hours, it was worth it. They did make my 1st happiness that day :) Anyway, I couldn't get back to sleep. I think it's the first time I've had up to only 2 hours of sleep all together. And it sure did make me feel so unwell for the rest of the day, letting me catch fever for some while.
Later that afternoon, I spent my time with the same people again. We went out for some movies and burgers and went to SSC for some chemistry lessons.

I spent my day with those favorite people of mine. And I realized that was about it. The simplest birthday of my life, yet somehow it didn't turn out to be my worst, in fact, not even close to! Yet not the best either. I somehow like how there's no birthday cake, leaving cupcakes as a change, no real gifts, leaving time with them something quite worthy for me -- oh I dont like crowds much (and no, I haven't been thinking about birthday bashes)-- and uncommonly, I have no birthday wish, as in presents. I don't feel like there's anything necessary I really want. But you know I'd always want to get accepted at ITB (no, I don't count that as a birthday wish).

The only unusual thing I dislike about this birthday was that I didn't get to see my dad. Still haven't met him today. And I find that I pretty much miss having a celebration with my family. Where as my mom and sisters left early in the morning to do their own things yesterday, while I was still trying hard to pay me back a nice sleep. *sigh*

By the way, you should check out a stopmotion video by Angga which he made for me. Nice present! haha

Not forgetting a big fat thank you to those 6 friends, who kept me from having a dull day :D

Back with Color

Let the bird fly. It's time for it to perch elsewhere.
Letting go doesn't always mean the end, for the experience and knowledge are as worthy as the run.

It's safe and sound under the sea.
Deep down, noises are banned. Even dim echos are noiseless.
I don't want to know what you think, I think I have to continue my therapy.

Senseless.
Just so you know, black is a color.

As long as there's art, I'm okay.
(at least that's what I think, for now)

Like Starting from the Finish Line

Have you ever felt like you're losing gravity? Like you can't stick to the ground and stand firm? Somethings are just not in place. It feels like falling, without gravity, you're falling up. And yes, I'm lost. I feel so off track.

It's been long since I've written anything on this dear blog. Inspite of all the busy-ness, I do not have much to write about. But no, I'm not tired of anything, yet. In fact I'm enjoying this point of the year... to be exact, this very point of my life.
I'm starting my senior year. Instead of thinking about how close separation and finals are, I consider this the start of the end.. which I still have a long way to go to pass the finish line. And during my run, I don't want to miss a single thing. I want to enjoy this last year of high school and finish it well along with the hard studies and concentration.

It's probably too early to talk about how I'm gonna miss things in my high school years. But I'm sure I am gonna miss everything. They were right, things just get better the further we go. Although the start seems to always give a little bit of doubt.
My elementary years, were awesome. Back then, I couldn't imagine a life better than what I'd had. But as I entered junior high (moved to a different school) I discovered that things do get better (although it was rough at first, adaptation = confusing and takes so long). The same goes for high school. I didn't think I'd get better friends than the ones I had had in junior high. But look at me now. There are actually people that I've known well for only 4 months that are now (i could say) my closest friends. I tell you, it feels like at least half a year that we've known each other. Dude I counted, I'm not mistaken.. solid friendship doesn't take that long to build up. That was just one cool thing I've discovered.

Lately, I've been afraid of the word "end". I've been into conversations about it so much; the end of anything, everything, different kinds of ends.When I get to that word I suddenly become afraid of reality. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I feel like things are just starting to get good, yet the end of it seems so near.

I wanna live in the clouds. Because sometimes I just can't face reality. Things get so unbelievable everytime I open my eyes, both good ways and bad. Sigh, Let's make a city in that cloudy skies, where it's easier to reach and pick up the stars at night.


Anyway this might've been totally random, I might just be typing myself to sleep with my current deep thoughts.

(Tomorrow I have to deal with numbers and formulas again.)

mid-holy-day

That was the climax of my holiday so far. How's yours going?
Oh I am so in need of taking more photographs especially black-and-white's.
I'm in no mood for writing. There's not much to say about this monotone holiday.

P.S. How do you like the new look of my blog?

Just like this little furball!

Now I (am trying to) see the difference between a want and a need.
Well, at least I know there is a difference.

There are a lot of things I've been wanting real bad, nevertheless they're not what I actually need. But as time goes, I think that God wants me to think over the things I long. But doesn't it just hurt how hope seems to be dangling on a fish hook and seems like a bait, mocking at your face on purpose?

And that little fella above, is just one of those things I cherish. HELL, I WANT IT SO BAD! Someone found 2 little baby owls. They fell from a tree, I was told. And now they're being taken care of at this little house, 10 meters accross from my house. How could my sisters and I not want to keep them? Owls are one of my favorite birds, and here they are! They just happen to appear! Unfortunately.. my mom's one of those parents who's unpleased with furry pets - or in this case: feathered ones. That's why we only have fish and turtles at home :(

Oh please, ma! Change your mind. This is a rare chance, we get.

Those frightened fellas need me.
I think I need them too. Do I?
Or tell me, is this only a want?

bitter-sweet, but with gratitude

I've just realized that this year, I've been a part of one of the best groups of people in my life. Yes, it's my beloved class. Geesh, honestly I don't know where to start.. cause I'm not sure when it started either. I don't know if it came to me way before, but it all started to clear up last weekend when my class had a farewell trip to Puncak.

We didn't really have many plans ahead of us.. all we knew was that we were going to stay at Prilly's and that Aisha brought a zillion bunch of games -- from board games, deck of cards, twister, to this operation game. But no, it didn't turn out to be boring, surprisingly I could say.. not even a bit. There was always somthing to do.. like badminton and swimming was part of it. My class bought a brown bunny, by the way, and everybody loves him. Me and Shasti named him Mushu at first.. but we thought it could sound more masculine.. so we changed it to Mukushu, Muku for short. We wanted the name to have to do something with our class.. so we decided to have "shu" somewhere in the name.. taken from 'Shoe'.. (might be a little corny:
XI IPA 1⇨ sepatu ⇨ shoe) and 'Muku' was just cute.
When the sun began to hide out, we started to do what's actually on our list; barbeque. Despite of that mean rain.. we still had it all going. We did it on our front porch, well because there weren't enough space, most of the girls went in and watched a movie, leaving the kind guys grilling sausages, chicken, corn, and it turned out we had steak for our snack cause we had extra food for dinner.

When we reached around midnight, things were just getting better. Another thing that wasn't on our to-do-list; we decided to light up a bonfire. This was the best part of everything.. from the effort of making it to the way it ended. The effort of making it took a part in making us melt through the night.

It took us over an hour to build up the flames, it was way harder than we thought.. and when it finally lit up, I personally think it didn't happen just like that. We burnt almost all we could think of, and it wouldn't create a good blaze. I thought they should give up, but hey they wouldn't. It was so nice how the guys put all the effort they had and tried as hard as they could so we could actually have a bonfire. Just when we ran out of things to throw into the fire, Thomy was playing with his towel.. spinning it and all.. (we even burnt our fan) and just like that, out of nowhere... the fire started blazing, big. To me, it was no coincidence. We all thought that if we were really meant to have that meaningful night with a bonfire, it would happen. We were meant to have that fire light up the atmosphere.

So we gathered everyone and circled around the fire. I didn't think that the scene would become serious and so warm, everyone became empathetic. It started with Dito.. he made us drown into the atmosphere. Every single one of us were to say a word or two about their impressions on this class and anything they could possibly share. Some of us sank deep, and tears rolled down, but I knew all of us felt the same (whatever it is) about our class and that we love each other so much and we knew it would be hard to separate.
Really, it felt just like yesterday I thought I didn't like the class at all maybe because (then, i thought) of its silence and lameness. Everyone had the same thought, almost everyone said those words. I don't know since when exactly I fell in love with my classmates, yes, every single one has a part in the class just like Ekky said. One of them said ❝this class is like a puzzle, at first we were apart and all over the place, but by the end of the year.. we completed ourselves, even IF there's a piece missing, we created a picture❞ . Okay, I might have over-improvised it a little, but the point is we were once a broken puzzle, but now we have our pieces together. That was one of the sharings that touched my heart.
After everyone let out all they could share (and i mean all- like sharing how they felt about someone ♥ hehe) - by this point, i was SURE deep down inside, everyone came accross the thought on crying... (even Dito, I was surprised). We threw our arms around each other and sang Ingatlah Hari ini, the sound of the guitar made the night even warmer. Just exactly when we finished, the fire was out. See.. like I said, the fire was meant for us to have through the night to go with our sharing. It came out on time. It was around 3 in the morning, when we came back into the house. We decided to continue watching a movie. We fell asleep in that living room, all together. Oh how I felt the togetherness and that moment really made me feel that we were family. I appologize if any of this sound cheesy, but seriously, you should be there to feel it☺.

Once we got back to town, I was one of the last to be picked up. Kind Ekky and Dito stayed and waited with me until around 7 pm. We reviewed the trip, shared a little more of how we felt, and gossiped a little haha. At that moment, it added on how much I love the class. We went over our class' story.. from the beginning to the end, and tried to figure out what made us solid and we were grateful being in such a class. Then the three of us had a weenie group hug, and planned a next gathering :) I know.. you people from other classes might think 'man these people are too over themselves, i thought they were the lamest science class.. it's funny how they're thankful for that'. You know what, I'm sure you love your class for what it is, and only you can see it and feel it because you're the ones who go through it. Well, so do we.

That trip was one of the best experience in my life, better than DB's Observation Trip, definitely better than Jogja Trip, you name them. Funny thing is, it was a trip with least 'things' to do..but it was most memorable.

I ♡ XI IPA 1
We became whole because of our
differences
which leads us to
things we actually have
in common,
.. all along.

thin pile of work left.. i think

@Polyvore

I can't believe I'll be a Senior soon! Let's think about it as almost 11 years of school have passed!
Currently, I've been enjoying school so much. I've always like going through the second year, both junior high and high school. Because you're no newbie no more, and you just get the best of everything, the i-own-the-school feeling occurs most in the 2nd year.. well that's so, for me.

Now.. 3rd year: you face all those stinkin' exams, although it's pretty much all that you go through.. you just cross your heart and hope you'll pass every door you tried to unlock. Oh well, no time to go through all that now. I'll go through all the stress later (hope it won't be as struggling as I think).

Anyway, I have 2 tests coming up on Monday, And I'm supposed to, well I've planned to study since Friday, but............... yeah, I just can't get myself to do it. I do hope I'd have plenty of time and the actual guts to start memorizing those papers tomorrow, and that my family wouldn't be wandering around the city which usually draws me to come with....... which I'd be leaving the wanting-to-be-read notes lying, or actually still packed in my school bag. But most likely they're gonna go do that, cause my dad just got a new car...hm -__-'
One other possibility of leaving me such little time to study is... if I wake up real real reaaal late, like at noon.. Which is also most likely to happen, cause I'm still typing this crap this second.

Hmmm Skyave designs are in the way. Though it isn't as hectic as before, I can see orders perching soon, though. The works seem endless, it's gonna take up some of my peaceful-home-no-school-quality time. Hz

Okay, a couple more weeks of assignments and exams left (an applause would be welcomed) and... (I think it's too early to write vibes of school break and vacation.. so I'll add on to that some time ahead) I guess I'm just to jumpy about getting school over with :D


Bythaway, I'm kinda bored of my blog.. I keep posting crap and it's nothing like 'artpuddle', I realize.. Oh geesh, please give me a clue on how I can keep this blog pumping..